Krampus (The Fourth Krampus Film) Review

So, I just came back from a day-early-before-release screening of Krampus(because that’s what all movies do now; if it comes out on Wednesday or Friday, you can see it Tuesday or Thursday; why not just release it on Tuesday and Thursday, but I suppose then you could see it Monday or Wednesday; Hey! It’s back on Wednesday!), directed by Michael Dougherty (who wrote and directed Trick ‘r’ Treat, which is a film I absolutely love, which is why I thought I was looking forward to this film).

This review will contain spoilers, because there’s no way I can talk about this movie without spoiling something.

krampus review

You don’t want to be on the list of people who see this movie.

This is the best movie since Chef Boyardee! If you want to see a great horror/dark comedy film this Christmas, go see The Peanuts Movie because this film accomplishes nothing.

Throughout the film, especially for the first forty minutes or so, I was waiting for this to get fun. Also, I was waiting to actually see Krampus do something besides run around in the background like a giant blob with horns. If I wanted to really see that, I would buy a goat, fatten it up, then drive into a foggy field and let it loose.

There was no reason to care for any of the characters whatsoever and there didn’t seem to be a central character the story focused on. At first you’d think it was Adam Scott, who plays the father and Weenie-Hut Jr. captain. But then the focus shifts to the son of the family who seems to be the only person who actually cares about Christmas. Then it switches back to the father. No clear active protagonist is chosen, since the father makes all the active decisions, yet it wants to try and follow the son for the film’s climax.

About fifty minutes in, we finally see something happen, instead of just people sitting in a house in the middle of a snowstorm making anxious faces and talking about how much they hate one another. Several characters go into the attic and find a giant demonic clown jack-in-the-box swallowing one of the children. It was the best part of the film. Then the gang is attacked by a group of demonic toys.

The toys are: a clown jack-in-the-box, a monstrous teddy bear, a killer robot, and a cutsie doll. If these sound familiar to any sort of horror buff, it’s because they’re the demonic toys from Demonic Toys. This may have been a reference, but there wasn’t anything particularly clever about them other than: look at the cool toy monsters.

The toy monsters (and the evil elves that show up for some reason) are the only actual active forces of antagonism. Krampus does nothing but walk around and make heavy booming noises with his feet. Also, there were snowmen accumulating outside the home, which I thought would go towards a killer snowman route, which could be fun if implemented properly, but they’re just there so the characters can look outside the window and say “Look at the creep snowman. How mystery. How did it appear? Spook.”

Basically the entire film consists of a few ideas that could be a lot of fun and really awesome if it decided to implement them in a way that doesn’t take itself too seriously (a la Trick ‘r’ Treat). I kept thinking of the sub-par crapterpiece of a film called Two Front Teeth while watching this and how this is basically a rich man’s version of that. However, it doesn’t have fun with itself unlike Two Front Teeth. It’s a shame because Michael Dougherty has really shown he can make something great.

Tis the season for crap when it comes to picking a good horror-comedy for the holidays, because I would rather get a dirty diaper shoved in my face (another horrible film, The Visit) than have to endure this failed attempt at Christmas-gore-fun. Also, they decide to throw in the “it was all a dream” ending ALONG with the St. Elsewhere ending: The reason the streets were abandoned and everything was so blizzardly was because they were IN A SNOWGLOBE THE WHOLE MOVIE. That’s right. The poster gives away the ending.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I wish I was never born.


I’m Not Dead Yet!

I’ve been a little absent from this blog (even though I’ve only made like three posts), but I assure you. I’m not dead. I’m a little backlogged with work from school and whatnot but I’m gonna try and repost one of my reviews from my old blog maybe tonight. I’m feeling Basket Case or Parents.

I would ask what you guys would prefer but honestly, I don’t know who reads this. I frankly don’t care if you, the person reading this right now, are perhaps the one person to ever read this. I find these posts therapeutic. It brings a sense of importance to my important film ramblings and all of my chaotic nonsense that runs through my head. I’m hoping it allows me to organize my thoughts on film and helps me ground my arguments as to why I hate certain films, etc.

So, I don’t really have much else to say, but I should include a photo. So here you guys go:

gnomo copConfused? You should be. It’s the Spanish poster for this piece of shit movie called A Gnome Named Gnorm from the 90s. I highly recommend you guys check it out. I also reviewed this movie with a group of friends in this video:

Check out that channel and subscribe if you want to!…okay, I’m done with my plug…have a nice evening.

The House on 666 Benevolent St: H.P. Lovecraft’s From Beyond

Ho-hum, where do I begin? I saw this film several years ago on Netflix, I believe I was possibly fourteen or maybe even thirteen, whatever. I don’t remember the details. I remember thinking it was very tame and slow. I honestly don’t know what was going through my brain at the time.

Recently, I stopped by the cool comic/movie shop, Forbidden Planet, at 832 Broadway, New York, NY 10003. I try to go to this place once a month or so and see what they have to offer in their film section. I’m friends with the guy in charge, Matt, and he is always ordering new movies and bizarre things that sometimes I’ve never heard of. What’s cool about this place is that every movie is either a B-movie, Z-movie, or a cult classic. Almost everything in print that’s good is in this store. Well, I hadn’t been in awhile and I decided to drop in around two weeks ago. They had the Blu-Ray Collector’s Edition of From Beyond. Naturally, I bought it immediately. I had been intending to revist this film after seeing some screenshots online and using it as the basis for my lighting and cinematography in my short comedy-horror that I shot over the summer. The issue in revisting the film was that it was damn near impossible to find in a store. Sure, you can order things online, but there’s some sort of great feeling of going to the store, purchasing the product, and immediately having it in your hand. Anywho, I popped this gem in the TV last night and I found myself in a state of practical effect euphoria that hadn’t been as profound since I first saw John Carpenter’s The Thing.

H.P. Lovecraft's From BeyondFor those of you who love Re-Animator, but haven’t seen this, you’re seriously missing out. It’s done by the same crew of people: Stuart Gordon (director of Re-AnimatorCastle FreakRobot Jox) served as director and writer, Brian Yuzna (director of SocietyThe DentistReturn of the Living Dead III) served as writer and producer, Richard Band (composer for Puppet MasterRe-AnimatorTerrorVision) does another killer soundtrack, Jeffrey Combs (Herbert West in Re-Animator) is the lead scientist Dr. Crawford Tillinghast, Barbara Crampton (Megan Halsey in Re-Animator) is the antagonist scientist Dr. Katherine McMichaels. (She’s not intentionally the antagonist, I’ll talk about this in another article.) We see two great new additions to the gang in this film in the form of Ken Foree (Peter in Dawn of the Dead) as Lieutenant Bubba Brownlee and Ted Sorel (Phil in Basket Case 2) as the monstrous Dr. Edward Pretorius.

The film is based off of what is essentially a 10-12 page short story by the horror writing God known as H.P. Lovecraft so Gordon and Yuzna had a lot of breathing room when it came to adapting this story. Basically the film is about Dr. Tillinghast and Dr. Pretorius working on a “Resonator” that will allow people to see into another dimension or plane of existence within our own. The “Resonator” gives them the ability to see things that would not normally be there, all while giving the things that we cannot see the ability to see us as well. Then some sort of Lovecraftian beast bites off Pretorius’ head and Tillinghast goes a little bit insane because of this.

Dr. McMichaels finds Tillinghast in a mental ward and thinks that the best way to diagnose his condition is to repeat the experiment. In comes Lt. Bubba to make sure things go as planned. As the night progresses, it becomes clear that the machine does indeed work and something comes back. It looks like Pretorius, but it peels its face off and gives off a few eerie lines of dialogue: “Bodies change.”

"Bodies change."

“Bodies change.”

This Resonator ends up overstimulating the pineal gland and causing intense sexual urges for everyone in the house. It eventually causes Tillinghast’s pineal gland to grow too large and burst through his forehead, giving him the vision of what the creatures “From Beyond” would see. (It also makes him want to eat nothing but human brains…) It is never directly explained, but it seems that he begins to undergo the transformation that Pretorius experienced in the dimension, becoming some otherworldly monster.


Tillinghast prepares to eat a paramedic’s brain through her eye socket.

Eventually, Pretorius learns to control the machine “from beyond” and come back to the human plane of existence on his own. His goal is to absorb and consume all human life. It’s really creepy and gross.

pretorius_edward_1986_01So then McMichaels hooks a bomb up to the Resonator and bites off Tillinghast’s pineal gland. Oh, if you’re wondering what happened to Bubba, he was eaten by dimensional termites a bit earlier. What I’m trying to say is that the film loses its mind in the best possible way.

The Resonator blows up, after Pretorius bites off Tillinghast’s head and McMichaels leaps out the window just as the explosion occurs. She lands on the ground below to a group of neighbors gathering around the burning home. She has the nastiest compound fracture I have ever seen (basically her kneecaps popped out and her femur just ripped through the joint and the skin. She is crying and the neighbors ask if she is okay. Her response is maniacal laughter, because she has also been driven insane by this insane movie.

As I’ve said earlier, the practical effects in this movie are mind-blowing. Even if one somehow disliked the plot or story, they would most likely be impressed by all of the work put into the monsters and FX makeup. It’s amazing how a film like this can actually be somewhat unrecognized by a lot of people in the film community. I know many people at my school who have no idea who Stuart Gordon or what this movie even is. The influence that this movie left on filmmakers over the next thirty years is highly apparent, if one knows that this film exists. Certain films that come to mind are In the Mouth of Madness (one of my favorites) and Slither (James Gunn’s other alien masterpiece). Both use similar practical effects, especially in Slither with Michael Rooker’s character. He looks very similar to Pretorius.

image44579I thoroughly enjoyed this film, though I’m not sure if people who are even slightly squeamish would. It’s a gross film, somewhat based in body horror, yet it’s hard to say that since it isn’t even a morphing human body that the viewer is looking at. It’s just a mass of flesh. But it’s nasty in a really awesome way and I recommend a viewing if anyone is interested in Lovecraft, Re-Animator, Stuart Gordon/Brian Yuzna’s works, or Jeffrey Combs’ acting career (which is a really awesome track record of films to follow, excluding all of the little voice-overs–you can’t see his subtle and odd facial ticks in a cartoon).

I give the film probably 7.5/10 stars. The acting is not bad in any way. The script is fun and genuinely disturbing at parts. The effects are just…wow. And the cinematography is actually one of my favorites of any horror film. It’s a must see.

“Bride of Filmtastrophe: The Return of the Dead Film Review Series, now in Blog Form: An American Werewolf in London

Regarding the title, which probably none of you will understand, it’s a reference to a web-series I created with a friend about a year ago where we reviewed films. All of the episodes have been taken down, mainly due to the fact that no-one watched them, so there was no point, but the phrase “filmtastrophe” has such a nice ring to it that I decided it needed a little love.

Today’s review is: An American Werewolf in London. It will contain spoilers. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t see the movie if you haven’t. It’s an amazing experience.


I consider this to be director John Landis’ finest film. If anyone is unfamiliar with Landis’ work, he directed the Michael Jackson “Thriller” music video. Congratulations, you are now familiar with his work. He took the sub-genre of werewolf horror films and further sub-genred horror into werewolf-horror-comedy. (He also revolutionized the concept to the point where no werewolf film has been the same ever since.) I would like to think this film serves as a huge influence to comedy/horror directors to this day, though I could be wrong. I know people who haven’t seen this movie; that makes them wrong. About what you might ask? Everything.

An American Werewolf in London is a horror-comedy. This “strange” blend of genres may seem a bit dull now but at the time it was almost universally unheard of. (This genre is not to be confused with comedy-horror. I’ll explain this in my next article actually, since I have a rather lengthy inner monologue about it.) Landis created such a blend with bizarre additions such as motorcycle monsters (later seen in “crapterpieces” like Neon Maniacs), Kermit and Miss Piggy, and a sarcastic zombie that follows around the main character (later seen in Return of the Living Dead), David Kessler.

The film is about two Americans, David and Jack, who decide to go backpacking in the English countryside. They are attacked by a werewolf. Jack is killed, but David survives. The film goes through David’s mental and physical transformation into a werewolf, which results in one of the finest wolf transformation scenes of all time.

David, now aware that he is a werewolf, tries to maintain control of his problem and his social life all while he is haunted by the rotting corpse of his friend, Jack.

Eventually, David goes full wolf to the point where he is being hunted down by the police throughout the streets of London. The love interest, Alex Price, tracks David down and attempts to convince his wolf form not to attack and to try and stop killing. She does this through loving words, but David the Wolf does not understand, for he is a wolf and I believe they don’t hear or speak English very well. Did you know dogs can learn up to 165 words? So you’d think he’d understand “I love you, David.” But allow me to retort against my own argument. He is a new werewolf; he is a baby. It takes awhile for babies to learn to speak and the sort. So he probably only understands the concept of eating and pooping as a wolf, so there. Anyway, he attacks and the police gun him down. Then, in a mood killing moment, an upbeat cover of “Blue Moon” breaks the grim atmosphere and it cuts to credits.

While I gave a rather short summary, this does not mean I do not absolutely adore An American Werewolf in London. Landis made an essentially perfect film. First of all, the title is just bizarre; even if you haven’t seen it, you’ve probably at least heard it once (also the film has been on Netflix for quite some time); if you still haven’t heard of it (especially now that you’ve read this article), you’re wrong.

Never in my life have I seen a better werewolf film, but Ginger Snaps comes close in second. I will probably review that at some point. Regarding the way werewolf films are in general, most are basically shit. I’m always very confused as to why such an interesting idea has been treated so poorly. Let me list the great ones, the okay ones, and the absolute horribly bad ones:

The Good: An American Werewolf in London, Ginger Snaps, The Wolfman, The Werewolf of London, The Monster Squad, Trick ‘r Treat, Company of Wolves, Teen Wolf, What We Do in the Shadows

The Okay: Ginger Snaps 2, Late Phases, Cursed, The Howling, Silver Bullet, Sleepwalkers (even though it’s really about cat people), Wolfcop, Dog Soldiers, Wolf

The Absolutely Horribly Ugly: EVERY The Howling sequel ever, Van Helsing, Monster DogWerewolf: The Beast Among Us (which sounds like the title producers would pick for the third Wall Street movie if they ever made one),Teen Wolf 2, Dark Shadows, Ginger Snaps Back, The Underwold Series, Curse of the Wolf, Transylvania 6-5000, Wer, Bad Moon, Red Riding Hood, Lady in the Water (even though it’s just a fantasy wolf monster thing), The Village (even though it was just a costume/but wtf M. Night?)

I obviously haven’t seen every werewolf movie ever made, but the amount of good ones in relation to okay or horrible usually makes me just feel “eh” when I see the trailer for a new werewolf film. Hopefully that will change, but who knows.

Anyway, it was a highly influential film and the concept of horror-comedy basically came about because of this genre. Films that were heavily influenced by An American Werewolf in London:

Ginger Snaps Evil Dead 2 Re-Animator  – From BeyondReturn of the Living Dead – Slither Fright Night – and the list goes on and on.


Well, hello there. I’m the guy you probably don’t remember from the blog you probably never read called “There is A California Champagne by Paul Masson”. It was a blog created for analyzing a Kurt Vonnegut book (Slaughterhouse-Five) for my Literature class. When I created that, I made this blog and had the idea of posting movie reviews. Unfortunately, I never actually got around to it. So, here it is.

I am a huge fan of horror, so I’m making the decision that this blog will be largely based in horror. Also a lot of B-movies. So get ready and hold on to your butts because where we’re going we don’t need roads. (Even though roads aren’t used to read blogs; shut up, I’m trying to be cool by making film references, which means I’m smart in film knowledge; don’t you get it?)

So as a basic introduction, my name is Zach Zeman. I am a film student currently enrolled at NYU and awkwardly making my way through life. I don’t know really what else to say about myself because talking about oneself for reasons other than a brief introduction always feels a little egotistical. So, uh, yeah. Hello. Hope you enjoy my shit.

The first couple of posts are actually reviews that I posted on Creepypasta last year and they’re all a little scattered and amateurish because I wrote them in one draft/sitting at about three in the morning. But all in all, they’re my opinions of the movies they’re aboot. Hokey…so, yeah.