Krampus (The Fourth Krampus Film) Review

So, I just came back from a day-early-before-release screening of Krampus(because that’s what all movies do now; if it comes out on Wednesday or Friday, you can see it Tuesday or Thursday; why not just release it on Tuesday and Thursday, but I suppose then you could see it Monday or Wednesday; Hey! It’s back on Wednesday!), directed by Michael Dougherty (who wrote and directed Trick ‘r’ Treat, which is a film I absolutely love, which is why I thought I was looking forward to this film).

This review will contain spoilers, because there’s no way I can talk about this movie without spoiling something.

krampus review

You don’t want to be on the list of people who see this movie.

This is the best movie since Chef Boyardee! If you want to see a great horror/dark comedy film this Christmas, go see The Peanuts Movie because this film accomplishes nothing.

Throughout the film, especially for the first forty minutes or so, I was waiting for this to get fun. Also, I was waiting to actually see Krampus do something besides run around in the background like a giant blob with horns. If I wanted to really see that, I would buy a goat, fatten it up, then drive into a foggy field and let it loose.

There was no reason to care for any of the characters whatsoever and there didn’t seem to be a central character the story focused on. At first you’d think it was Adam Scott, who plays the father and Weenie-Hut Jr. captain. But then the focus shifts to the son of the family who seems to be the only person who actually cares about Christmas. Then it switches back to the father. No clear active protagonist is chosen, since the father makes all the active decisions, yet it wants to try and follow the son for the film’s climax.

About fifty minutes in, we finally see something happen, instead of just people sitting in a house in the middle of a snowstorm making anxious faces and talking about how much they hate one another. Several characters go into the attic and find a giant demonic clown jack-in-the-box swallowing one of the children. It was the best part of the film. Then the gang is attacked by a group of demonic toys.

The toys are: a clown jack-in-the-box, a monstrous teddy bear, a killer robot, and a cutsie doll. If these sound familiar to any sort of horror buff, it’s because they’re the demonic toys from Demonic Toys. This may have been a reference, but there wasn’t anything particularly clever about them other than: look at the cool toy monsters.

The toy monsters (and the evil elves that show up for some reason) are the only actual active forces of antagonism. Krampus does nothing but walk around and make heavy booming noises with his feet. Also, there were snowmen accumulating outside the home, which I thought would go towards a killer snowman route, which could be fun if implemented properly, but they’re just there so the characters can look outside the window and say “Look at the creep snowman. How mystery. How did it appear? Spook.”

Basically the entire film consists of a few ideas that could be a lot of fun and really awesome if it decided to implement them in a way that doesn’t take itself too seriously (a la Trick ‘r’ Treat). I kept thinking of the sub-par crapterpiece of a film called Two Front Teeth while watching this and how this is basically a rich man’s version of that. However, it doesn’t have fun with itself unlike Two Front Teeth. It’s a shame because Michael Dougherty has really shown he can make something great.

Tis the season for crap when it comes to picking a good horror-comedy for the holidays, because I would rather get a dirty diaper shoved in my face (another horrible film, The Visit) than have to endure this failed attempt at Christmas-gore-fun. Also, they decide to throw in the “it was all a dream” ending ALONG with the St. Elsewhere ending: The reason the streets were abandoned and everything was so blizzardly was because they were IN A SNOWGLOBE THE WHOLE MOVIE. That’s right. The poster gives away the ending.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I wish I was never born.

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“Bride of Filmtastrophe: The Return of the Dead Film Review Series, now in Blog Form: An American Werewolf in London

Regarding the title, which probably none of you will understand, it’s a reference to a web-series I created with a friend about a year ago where we reviewed films. All of the episodes have been taken down, mainly due to the fact that no-one watched them, so there was no point, but the phrase “filmtastrophe” has such a nice ring to it that I decided it needed a little love.

Today’s review is: An American Werewolf in London. It will contain spoilers. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t see the movie if you haven’t. It’s an amazing experience.

An_American_Werewolf_in_London_Poster

I consider this to be director John Landis’ finest film. If anyone is unfamiliar with Landis’ work, he directed the Michael Jackson “Thriller” music video. Congratulations, you are now familiar with his work. He took the sub-genre of werewolf horror films and further sub-genred horror into werewolf-horror-comedy. (He also revolutionized the concept to the point where no werewolf film has been the same ever since.) I would like to think this film serves as a huge influence to comedy/horror directors to this day, though I could be wrong. I know people who haven’t seen this movie; that makes them wrong. About what you might ask? Everything.

An American Werewolf in London is a horror-comedy. This “strange” blend of genres may seem a bit dull now but at the time it was almost universally unheard of. (This genre is not to be confused with comedy-horror. I’ll explain this in my next article actually, since I have a rather lengthy inner monologue about it.) Landis created such a blend with bizarre additions such as motorcycle monsters (later seen in “crapterpieces” like Neon Maniacs), Kermit and Miss Piggy, and a sarcastic zombie that follows around the main character (later seen in Return of the Living Dead), David Kessler.

The film is about two Americans, David and Jack, who decide to go backpacking in the English countryside. They are attacked by a werewolf. Jack is killed, but David survives. The film goes through David’s mental and physical transformation into a werewolf, which results in one of the finest wolf transformation scenes of all time.

David, now aware that he is a werewolf, tries to maintain control of his problem and his social life all while he is haunted by the rotting corpse of his friend, Jack.

Eventually, David goes full wolf to the point where he is being hunted down by the police throughout the streets of London. The love interest, Alex Price, tracks David down and attempts to convince his wolf form not to attack and to try and stop killing. She does this through loving words, but David the Wolf does not understand, for he is a wolf and I believe they don’t hear or speak English very well. Did you know dogs can learn up to 165 words? So you’d think he’d understand “I love you, David.” But allow me to retort against my own argument. He is a new werewolf; he is a baby. It takes awhile for babies to learn to speak and the sort. So he probably only understands the concept of eating and pooping as a wolf, so there. Anyway, he attacks and the police gun him down. Then, in a mood killing moment, an upbeat cover of “Blue Moon” breaks the grim atmosphere and it cuts to credits.

While I gave a rather short summary, this does not mean I do not absolutely adore An American Werewolf in London. Landis made an essentially perfect film. First of all, the title is just bizarre; even if you haven’t seen it, you’ve probably at least heard it once (also the film has been on Netflix for quite some time); if you still haven’t heard of it (especially now that you’ve read this article), you’re wrong.

Never in my life have I seen a better werewolf film, but Ginger Snaps comes close in second. I will probably review that at some point. Regarding the way werewolf films are in general, most are basically shit. I’m always very confused as to why such an interesting idea has been treated so poorly. Let me list the great ones, the okay ones, and the absolute horribly bad ones:

The Good: An American Werewolf in London, Ginger Snaps, The Wolfman, The Werewolf of London, The Monster Squad, Trick ‘r Treat, Company of Wolves, Teen Wolf, What We Do in the Shadows

The Okay: Ginger Snaps 2, Late Phases, Cursed, The Howling, Silver Bullet, Sleepwalkers (even though it’s really about cat people), Wolfcop, Dog Soldiers, Wolf

The Absolutely Horribly Ugly: EVERY The Howling sequel ever, Van Helsing, Monster DogWerewolf: The Beast Among Us (which sounds like the title producers would pick for the third Wall Street movie if they ever made one),Teen Wolf 2, Dark Shadows, Ginger Snaps Back, The Underwold Series, Curse of the Wolf, Transylvania 6-5000, Wer, Bad Moon, Red Riding Hood, Lady in the Water (even though it’s just a fantasy wolf monster thing), The Village (even though it was just a costume/but wtf M. Night?)

I obviously haven’t seen every werewolf movie ever made, but the amount of good ones in relation to okay or horrible usually makes me just feel “eh” when I see the trailer for a new werewolf film. Hopefully that will change, but who knows.

Anyway, it was a highly influential film and the concept of horror-comedy basically came about because of this genre. Films that were heavily influenced by An American Werewolf in London:

Ginger Snaps Evil Dead 2 Re-Animator  – From BeyondReturn of the Living Dead – Slither Fright Night – and the list goes on and on.